BINKY FOR PRESIDENT
For Immediate Release: Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Contact: Doug Stych
In a move that stunned both the Democratic and Republican parties, Binky, a calico cat residing in Berkeley, announced her write-in candidacy for President of the United States. Hillary Clinton, Barrack Obama, and John McCain and were reportedly rendered speechless by the news. Ralph Nader is expected to withdraw from the race momentarily, reportedly saying “With the feline-rights and catnip industry union vote locked up, Binky is unbeatable.” Ron Paul immediately withdrew from the race and threw his support behind the redoubtable feline, saying “Finally, a non mainstream candidate that can win.”
A few reporters questioned Binky’s qualifications for the highest elected office in the land, asking how she could possibly be old enough and have resided in the United States long enough considering that she was born in 1999. She responded by pointing out that “…there is no doubt about my American birth and in kitty years I am sixty years old and have resided in the United States the entire time. The constitution is rather vague on the issue of kitty years vs. human years, so that is an issue the Supreme Court will clarify after I am elected. She went on to outline her cogent and workable plans for world peace and an end to terrorism, but the details were drowned out by thunderous applause from her supporters.
After the applause died down, she demonstrated that she can pronounce the word “nuclear” clearly and correctly; an apparent reference to certain sitting presidents who mispronounce the word as “nukuler.” Numerous Republicans in the crowd were observed hanging their heads in shame at this point. When asked about health care, Binky unveiled an amazing plan that will provide every American (human and cat alike) with cradle-to-grave health care, to be enacted within four hours of being sworn into office. This to be funded by a modest $10 per can tax on dog food.
World stock markets responded positively to the amazing news of the Binky candidacy, and the US dollar promptly recovered its value. Numerous world leaders immediately pledged to support any and all American policy directives originating from this remarkable cat. The UN will meet in an emergency session within hours to discuss a joint resolution calling for Binky to be sworn in as President of the World after her term of office expires in the United States.
In related stories, the Fast Food Industry announced that henceforth “Freedom Fries” will be called “Binky Fries,” Microsoft was changing its name to Binkysoft, and the Eiffel Tower will be renamed the Binky Tower.
(The above image: Copyright © Doug Stych 2002 All Rights Reserved. That’s Binky in a tree in rural Oregon in the winter of 2001-2002. The image may be used for non-commercial purposes so long as it is properly attributed and a link to Doug’s Darkworld is included.)